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Naomi

Use Beats Instead of Attribution to Keep Word Counts and Deep POV in Check

There are myriads of ways to cut back on your word count. I know this because I had to cut 20,000 words out of The Green Veil at one point. Besides getting rid of passive voice, excessive adverbs, and so on (which, in some instances, actually cause you to add to the word count by forcing you to do more showing and less telling) there is a smaller, but very effective way to eliminate hundreds -- maybe even thousands -- of words from your manuscript.

Get rid of excess attribution.

While you're at it, get rid of any unnecessary wording that points out how a character feels, or looks.

Back in the day, I learned that using he said /she said was the acceptable form of attribution to use. You never used "she squealed" or "he guffawed" when referring to speaking. Editors would say, "You can't guffaw a sentence." But now even the unassuming said is becoming out of vogue, and for good reason. Attribution eats up precious word space, while at the same time removing the reader from the immediacy of deep point of view.

Instead of a long conversation full of who said what, writers are expected to write with voice and style that keep character conversation flowing in such a way that the reader can keep track of who is speaking simply by the characters' distinct voices and the interspersing of beats which show movement, thoughts, feelings, and so on.

Take a look at this portion of a scene from my WIP and notice that I never once use words of attribution like said. Yet you can tell by the flow and beats exactly who is speaking and also sense the emotion or movement in the scene, however slight:

He glanced at her, his eyes as dark and inviting as the cocoa in their drinks.

"What? Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Because I like to."

She took a long sip from her mug, closing her eyes behind the steam, absorbing the sweet aroma.

"Do you ever think of going there?"

"To school?" She set down her mug and harrumphed. "Why would I?"

"Didn't you think about it when you were with that fellow?"

"With...oh, you mean Clayton." She shook her head. "It never occurred to me to go to school. I thought that once I married Clay, I'd just be..." she shrugged, "you know... his wife."

"Seems like a great way to start over."

She gazed over at the school again, wondering for the first time about what went on inside its brick-walled classrooms. When she looked back, Jamie studied her.

"You're still staring. But now you have something else going on. I can see it churning around up there in that head of yours." That dark, handsome head.

"Your mother tells me that you like to teach children."

"In Sunday school? Yes, I guess that's true. I like telling them stories and helping them learn. I like to do fun, creative things with them."

"Maybe God wants you to do more than that."

She straightened her shoulders. "What do you mean?"

"Maybe you should become a teacher."

Cori leaned forward. She didn't answer right at first. Jamie's suggestion had both startled and thrilled her at once. A teacher.

"I -- I don't think I could."

"Why not? Don't they have a Normal School there?"

"I just..."

"A friend of mine who teaches in Eau Claire tells me there are only two in the state." He nodded at the university across the street. "Here you have one of them in your back yard."

Suddenly Jamie leaned forward, too, and cupped his big hands over hers around her mug."You're smart, Cori. You want something more than waiting under your parents' wings for a husband to come along."

His touch sent a bolt charging through her, but in the next instant it dissolved. Had she started to think of him beyond what she should? It seemed that he was about to squelch those thoughts.

She frowned. "You barely know me. What makes you think I could handle Normal School, or that I'd even want to? And what's so bad about wanting to marry?" She flushed. It hadn't come out sounding like she'd hoped.

He squeezed her hands. "There's nothing bad about it." His dimples winked at her. "But I think you want something else besides."

Now, what if I had followed the compulsion to include attribution? It would have made for a lot of unnecessary telling and had the effect of pulling readers out of the scene, reminding them that they're peering in on a book instead of encouraging them to live vicariously through the characters themselves. (In the following example I also popped in some other telling words, just to give you a basis of comparison for how much better it is when they're not included. The beats are still there, though when lots of attribution is used, the tendency is to rely on telling and exclude interesting beats.) Take a look:

He glanced at her. His eyes looked as dark and inviting as the cocoa in their drinks.

"What? Why are you looking at me like that?" Cori asked.

"Because I like to."

She took a long sip from her mug, closing her eyes behind the steam, absorbing the sweet aroma.

"Do you ever think of going there?" he said suddenly, disrupting her daydream.

"To school?" She set down her mug and harrumphed. "Why would I?" she wanted to know.

"Didn't you think about it when you were with that fellow?"

"With...oh, you mean Clayton," she said. She shook her head. "It never occurred to me to go to school. I thought that once I married Clay, I'd just be..." she shrugged, "you know...his wife."

"Seems like a great way to start over," Jamie pointed out.

She gazed over at the school again, wondering for the first time about what went on inside its brick-walled classrooms. When she looked back, Jamie studied her.

"You're still staring," she said. "But now you have something else going on. I can see it churning around up there in that head of yours." That dark, handsome head. Cori thoughtabout how dark and handsome he looked.

"Your mother tells me that you like to teach children," said Jamie.

"In Sunday school? Yes, I guess that's true. I like telling them stories and helping them learn. I like to do fun, creative things with them," she added.

"Maybe God wants you to do more than that."

She straightened her shoulders. "What do you mean?" she asked.

"Maybe you should become a teacher," he suggested.

Cori leaned forward. She didn't answer right at first. Jamie's suggestion had both startled and thrilled her at once. A teacher.

"I -- I don't think I could."

"Why not?" he asked. "Don't they have a Normal School there?"

"I just..." She didn't know what to say.

"A friend of mine who teaches in Eau Claire tells me there are only two in the state." He nodded at the university across the street. "Here you have one of them in your back yard."

Suddenly Jamie leaned forward, too, and cupped his big hands over hers around her mug."You're smart, Cori," he said."You want something more than waiting under your parents' wings for a husband to come along."

His touch sent a bolt charging through her, but in the next instant it dissolved. She wondered, had she started to think of him beyond what she should? It seemed that he was about to squelch those thoughts.

She frowned. "You barely know me. What makes you think I could handle Normal School, or that I'd even want to? And what's so bad about wanting to marry?" Cori asked. She flushed. It hadn't come out sounding like she'd hoped.

He squeezed her hands. "There's nothing bad about it," he answered. His dimples winked at her. "But I think you want something else besides."

Just look at all the unnecessary words, about 50 of them! There's not a one of them that improves the scene by being there. Beats are where it's at -- body movements, inner thoughts, character expressions, sighs. A little action is worth a load of attribution and moves us into the character's being.

Also, it's exceptionally easy to use beats when writing an action scene. A good fight, for example, with fists flying and guys stumbling in the dirt, make for some exciting beats. But I chose to use this scene as an example because the couple is merely sitting together, enjoying cocoa and conversation. It proves that even in quiet scenes like this, beats can be easily moved in for show instead of tell.

Write on!

Summer School for Writers - Session #2 Questions for Crafting a Better Hook

When my dad goes fishing, he nips the barbs off his hooks to give the fish a "more sporting chance". I don't do that. Dinner is too important. Neither can I afford such a luxury when I write the opening of a novel. Can you?

The opening hook of a story has to be sharp, able to grab readers and hang on to them despite any temptation luring them to spit it out and let it go.

Maybe you've already re-written your opening a dozen times, each time defining it to make it sharper, stronger, more compelling. But if not, here's what you need to do.

Start by asking yourself questions.

• The hook must first and foremost establish a connection between the reader and a character. It's fine to open with a whiz-bang thrill ride, especially if you're writing an action adventure, but if you don't establish the humanness of your introductory character right away, the action is just noise. Compare it to your real life introductions. When you meet a person for the first time, you either connect with them on a bit of a personal level or you don't. You either want to get to know them more, or they become immediately forgettable. It's the same thing when you introduce your character. Does your character have flesh and produce feeling? You might be able to crawl into this character's skin, but can your reader?
  
• The conflict introduced in the hook must imply a future black moment worth waiting for. Does it have to be as big as a volcano about to swallow the earth in lava? No, of course not. But the conflict should be compelling either because it's universal, dramatic, desperate, or different. Is yours? Now, here's a problem. I see some writers trying to make their hook so explosive that they center too much on the physical problem, and too little on the character connection. Watch out for that! Remember point #1: readers must care about the character before they care about the problem.
• Do questions yearn -- no -- do they beg to be answered... or not really? Hooks by virtue of their name must have a barb, despite my dad's fishing habits. If you want to net a reader, you have to ask, does my story's hook contain an adequate cliff-hanger? This doesn't have to be a life or death moment. It might be much more subtle than that, but it absolutely must create a question that demands an answer. Physical, mental, or emotional readers must want to ask what will happen next. Will she make it? Is he trustworthy? Who is that masked man? There's nothing wrong with creating a stirring list of worthy questions in a reader's mind. Remember though, you do know what's going to happen. Your readers don't have the luxury of that context. Look at your opening with clear, unbiased eyes. If you didn't already know what was coming, would you care?
• Is the opening of your novel burdened with back-story? Back story should be non-existent in the hook, or worked in with such tiny, subtle strokes that the reader absorbs it without noticing. It's better if necessary back-story is worked naturally into the story later on. But ask first, is it really necessary?
• Is your hook showing what's happening in real time? We writers have been fighting the nemesis of "telling" for a long time. "Show, Don't Tell" is a mantra pasted on our brains. But if we should happen to slip, we'd best be sure we don't do it in the opening. This is where a study of deep point-of-view comes in handy. Make your action immediate, personal, and without telling. Use dialogue that matters. Well... do that all the time. Don't describe the sunset or the weather or a dream.

Plot is woven when something bad happens, and then it gets worse. That building of suspense heightens throughout the course of the story, climaxing at the blackest moment of all. I would suggest that more than one, single stage of "worse" should happen right in the hook, as well as creating more questions. In my book The Green Veil (A COTT champion for Best Hook) it worked this way.

• Something terrible has happened. Colette has been hurt. She's bruised and in pain.

• To make it worse, she's obviously been thrust into a situation that has her feeling dirty and used. She abhors the way men looked at her last night.

• As an earlier conversation plays through her mind, we discover she had a different past, one that seemed bright and filled with promise. Now she lives with horrible regrets about the choices that led to this place she's in.

• Lastly, we discover that it's her husband who has put her in this place.

Do you see the questions arising:

• Who has abused her? Why?
• Why does he call call Colette "Vashti"?
  
• Can she ever recapture the past? (What else happened in that past?)
  
• What were the choices that brought her to this place?
  
• What could have happened to make her marry this man?
  
• Is the marriage going to make it?

Here's a more subtle example.

In my novella, Heart Not Take we meet Sean. Right off we know he lives in a cabin on a trout stream and that he's a teacher. Someone is arriving to interrupt his play of a nice fish on his line. He thinks it's one of his three sisters. Conflict arises when the interloper tells him she's been hired by his parents to "make a few improvements" on the property. Throughout the course of the opening, several questions start to arise.

• Why do a few proposed changes cause Sean to bes o rude and irritable toward this woman?

• Who is Jay and why does Sean resent him?

• Why does Jordyn, who is normally strong, professional, and used to dealing with all types of customers feel like crying so easily today?

• How does both Sean and Jordyn's stumbling faith, damaged by personal assault, play into future possible romance between the two of them?

• What other secret does Sean harbor about his past?

I hope that by asking yourself these questions and by re-examining your opening with a clear, unbiased eye, you will discover ways to sharpen your prose and set your novel's hook.